The Book of Turnip
by somghost
Summary: Bunch of diary entries of one Gnome. Contains: a lot of turnips, plenty of family members, pinch of potty-mouth language Character mentions: Anomen, Minsc and Boo, Yoshimo, Charname, and few others I am an amateur, no beta. Prepare and enjoy!


**M**y luck on dark root market still stays with me! All of the turnips were sold, with my smuggled potatoes and stolen magical (I think) beans.  
After sharing the halves with Uncle Gerhardt and Papa, I still got few coins for a turnip ale! The better one!  
Actually I have few less coins, since I am back from the meeting with the ale and friends. Yoshimo, mentioned my great sales in black market must means a great party is in preparation. Or servants are done with potato stew. I prefer the party part. My turnips deserves better recognition.

oOOo

I leave my sweet home to adventure with my friends. The adventures didn't took place far from home, among wilderness, ruins and lack of bucket to sit and ponder with book and letting legs to catch a breeze of gross air.  
Our adventures happened inside walls of Athkatla.

I could write down all the reasons why adventuring inside city-walls is better than adventuring between trees and more trees, but I think fact in cities there are always food stalls, while in the wild, you need to take a long walk to find one is enough.

The last few days we have spent in Bridge District, trying to find murderer, with great success. Well not really, the murderer ran away, but our purses got heavy and round like a ripe autumn turnip. Boo with Minsc doesn't seem so happy like the rest of our group. He didn't get a chance to kick the murderer buttcheeks. I don't understand Minsc, that man cheeks were very sad and not worthy of any type of attention.  
Ah how we found the murderer? I must say it was full of sharp blades and minds. However I am going to focus only on events that are important. What is important one may ask. Doesn't a case as such with getting good name in eyes of forces of law isn't more important, than turnip sales? Well it is just my diary. Have fun with reading it Cousin Nosey.

oOOo

I found Boo sleeping in my pocket. He raised up twice as much as I remember when Minsc let him go walk on a ground today. After all miniature giant hamsters tends to grow rapidly.  
I found out I lost my panpepato. I hoped to eat it for the evening with turnip tea. Nevermind, I will ask Caterpillar to go and have some tea and sweets.

oOOo

I ate four doughnuts. Two with dog-rose jam, one with berries, and one with caramel. For the whole time Caterpillar complained about meeting in thieves guild she had. Everyone has long hooded capes, and put their winter sweaters and socks in arms to make them look wider. Whenever they can, they twirl the cape like a young girl in a new dress. I think this is actually adorable. Like Grand Uncle August, who loves stealing gryphon eggs (he was stupid gnome, but some would said he was brave), and wears a cape with flying birds. He twirled the cape often, to make the birds fly in a deep blue sky.

oOOo

I forgot to said about few more things!

First, there was a great night at one big house with colorful windows, with fireworks and baked turnips in vinegar. The family who lives there invited a lot of nobles and adventurers, while our friend group didn't get an invitation! A new one said it's a great shame. I think it's just many of us don't have the address in The Great Address Book of Athkatla and poor postman had problem with delivering the invitation.  
It ends up on the guestlist there were few Heroes of Baldur's Gate, which all of them personally (with help of Minsc and Boo and few others) managed not only to stop the threat of war in Sword Coast, but also stopped The Iron Crisis from few months ago!  
None of them didn't know a thing or two about harvesting turnips! At least the baked turnips were pretty good(although Grandma Mahaut Jansen makes that dish much better), and I signed myself inside the guest book. After all I am a friend of The Hero of Baldur's Gate, it would be a great faux pas to not be there!

The second, we got a new man in our shenanigan group, his name is Anomen, and he is cocky-but-with-clear-heart-doubt-about-pants boy from Most Noble Order of the Radiant Heart. What a coincidence, he share similar name to Ano, the Dung Orc. It's not nice to judge others on the first few days, but he seems to share more with Dung Orc than only a name.  
The third, my trusted Jan Jansen's Flasher Master Bruiser Mates are dazzling and got noticed by the other members. Yoshimo seemed to like them, but actually not really. His manner of talking about them was very ungrateful, I really wanted to share one with him but he doesn't understand the craftsmanship behind them. True beauty his "sharp" eye didn't recognized. I'm glad Auntie Kylie is far away from Athkatla, she won't leave such disparagement just so.

oOOo

Because of all the good-bad-and-ugly things we did in Athkatla I'm out of black market. Again!  
Papa complained like I did that on purpose, like I am the only one who goes to black root. There are other Jansens that can take care of this business.  
Now I must leave my friends to focus more on turnips. The spring turnip season is coming soon.

oOOo

Mama baked onion pie.

oOOo

The friends visited us in slums for a dinner, I welcomed them with root veggies broth and bread. They stench like Uncle Leone who is under-streets treasure hunter. Not only they smelled like him. Well such stench always means he brings a gift, but they didn't gave anything besides dirt on the floor! Caterpillar apologized and she washed the floor in home ashamed. Grand Mama Jansen kissed her cheek later for cleaning, and gave to all of us a candy wrapped in turnip-printed glossy paper.

oOOo

I think I needed that break. Adventuring is fun but nothing is like seeing turnips becoming prettier, and prettier with every day, I also noticed early spring flowers in gardens.

oOOo

Caterpillar visited me with a bottle of wine and posy of carrots. I leave the carrots to bake a carrot cake later, and we drink wine in the backyard, so Uncle Gerhardt won't sniff it. Besides how good wine was, Caterpillar wanted to share a great news with me. When I was working on our family position in black market, she took care of the thieves guild. She got few jobs that sounds much more fun than the usual she must spread between hers people.  
She told me about one that she think I would enjoy to take. Of course I took it, because I know address of the house! Otherwise I wouldn't be interested, there wasn't fun thing in it at all.

oOOo

I'm still preparing for the job I forgot to write down details about it

The job is to took a book named „The Book of Ash". It is stored at home of necromancer Osbeorn. I think know this man. Well he was murky and I never saw his face, and his hands looked like a worms hugging tightly a dry branch under sheet of pergamin. That sounds like a very good description of necromancer hand.  
He pays well for turnips and other vegetables before he stopped visiting the dark root. So I must admit I would love to visit him, and maybe share tea and chit chat about vegetables, he sounded like a passionate about that subject. Maybe he will give me the book willingly, it will save a lot of troubles.

His home is on one of towers, and the easiest way to go inside is by rooftops. Sounds dangerous but night will protect me from accidental gryphons. Even when they don't like cities as much as wilderness, you never know! One swift and little gnome is taken away.  
Also I must take a few garlic heads with me to be sure no vampire will try to check my blood quality, which is one of finest a gnome can have. I don't need their examination!

The client who wants that book, according to Caterpillar, seems like a "spelly shitelly"(her words) type someone else would hire us later to kick his butt (as would Minsc describe it).

But it's mere details, the client already paid a ⅓ of the price and The purse is beautifully heavy, the jingle of coins reminds me soft bells, beads and ribbons tied in Aerie's hair. The purse itself was also a fine piece of embroidery. Not taking such gig would be a crime itself.

I already have some garlic. Caterpillar joked she can braid them into my hair, I really like the idea, and if I will be hungry, I can take a bite of garlic without using my hands. Too much.

There are some other stuff I (and the rest of our group) must took care of, but they are mere. Writing them down would be a waste of paper.

oOOo

Caterpillar got furious on Anomen and demanded from him to stand in the corner of tavern for hour.  
They started fighting about role of faith in government, or something like that. I don't care too much, but it was fun to see Anomen face changing grimace from pride to anger to shame on the very end.

oOOo

Boo is such a wonderful partner of conversations. We talked about art of magic, natural philosophy, inventions and turnips. I wouldn't expect so much knowledge from such adorable chubby face. Our little friend contains much more in his cheeks than biscuits i gave it to him. I'm happy Minsc have such a friend, but I must admit, he also seems a little envy about my friendship with Boo. Silly Minscy, for Boo Minsc is the number one friend in his miniature giant heart. Although, my handsomely sculpted nose and bushy beard, bright mind... Maybe even hamster can fall for it?

oOOo

Last night I finally took care of that job.

I had more problem with getting to the Osbeorn tower than with finding the book itself. So many vampires on the roofs. It took me two full bells toll, to walk past them unnoticed.

Luckily some dark hooded guy was running through rooftops and got attention of the vampires nearby. Not so luckily for him. Rest in peace, friend.

Once I got to the tower, I took care of few magic traps, which still were running even after the death of their creator... I found the dust and nightgown on the bed. I spent few moments in silence and bring back memories of him, whenever he bought veggies in my stall.  
I found some jewelry, which doesn't looked too cursed. I mean I won't gift them, maybe to Anomen, but I think the fence won't complain. There were also few knick knacks that will give me extra payment!  
After a while of checking the books... Osbeorn got so many that I must come back here later and donate them to the public library. Finally I found The Book Of Ash, from curiosity I read a text from some page (the book is thin and amateurish made). The spell sounded fun while reading, but once I end the sentences a pair of zombies arises out of nowhere! Or from all the dust that was inside the house, as the book title suggest...

Ah, I don't like that spell any little. I was forced to flee the tower as fast as my little legs could move! The zombies were angry with fact of being woken up from great nap (I assume). The Jan Jansen's Flasher Master Bruiser Mates helped me once again!

oOOo

Did I mentioned I don't like this book and the spell it have? Ugly illustrations, cover is dull, the writing isn't graceful...  
Zombies are one of my least favourite things(their rising from ground ruined the crops few times)! So I decided to show my brilliance and artistic taste and try to fiddle with spell to make it much more worthy. Who would want to summon zombies anyway? I don't want any trouble from that client because he got disappointed with the spell inside. I hope he won't notice my edit to the book itself.

oOOo

After a week of testing and mending (or meddling) with the spell I did it! Once I understood the pattern behind it, changing the summoning element was easy.

Now the spell I mentioned now summons turnips. Of course it wasn't perfect at first time... First I must dealt with zombie turnips (gruesome even more than gryphons throwing up their food to the chick gryphon beaks). Later with rotten turnips, to finally summon round, violet and white turnip, with thick wide leaves and long root! Perfect sample, fair like turnip nymph herself!  
Of course I was fighting with myself to keep the book for a little bit longer to summon more turnips and become king of the dark root market, but I know a thing or two about inflation. Spoiled vegetables hurts my heart, same goes with spoiled coin.

oOOo

Maybe changing the spell wasn't best idea? I mean it is great, but Caterpillar had mixed feelings. She told me she loves what I did, but also congrats me for creating issues with sick-ass wizard, and wizards are worst kind of troubles.

I think she over exaggerate the problem, I mean, I know she have already problem with one of them, but tax collectors are much worse!  
She also told me she's finally going to the Spellhold, since she got enough resources and everyone seems strong enough to go there. When I kindly suggest to move the trip for another two-three weeks because of my turnip business she said she didn't included my presence at all!  
She hugged me and apologized, but it didn't stopped my tears nor sadness with fury taking all over me.

oOOo

I think Caterpillar infected me with some sorrow and hollow. I cried last night and even money she gave me to ease any problems doesn't even make me happy. Taking care of the vegetables seems worthless and now some spellcaster now is looking for me. At least he will aim for the thieves guild first, which gives me more time to do nothing.

This is not how I planned, Caterpillar always took care of my problems, and Minsc and Boo really really dislike the man they are trying to kill. I wanted to help them, that's what friends do. While now I must wait.

oOOo

Everyday I am sure, there is enough food for uninvited six quests. Patience is virtue of a inventor. I don't know if i have enough of it.

* * *

**Author's note:**

*Panpepato - it's medieval "sweet bread" from Italy. It's made by mix various fruits and nuts, zest of orange or lemon, unified together with cocoa powder, flour and honey. After baking the cake is covered with chocolate. I don't think such combo is okay for hamster, even for miniature giant space hamster.

\- Main story element is reference to Thief: The Metal Age (video game). One of elements of mission Life of the Party, where player can enter to the tower of necromancer and read The Book of Ash itself. There is also nod to Dishonored (video game) mission Lady Boyle's Last Party, where player while being uninvited can sign in the quest book.


End file.
